9.14.2006

I Forgot My Birthday

I can't remember any of my dreams but my nightmares are as clear as a wall. Sometimes I wake up panicking from the nightmares, sometimes I wake up from the loud air compressor in the warehouse that randomly switches on the sound of a collapsing roof and sometimes I just wake up completely blank at 3am unable to fall back asleep until the sun comes up. If I can survive through a night of insomnia, I'll be lucky to get up for work. My morning routines are random because I always forget something or misplace my toothbrush. I can never remember what I forget the most.

I know that if I'm stuck in traffic and I get frustrated, then I'll be frustrated for the rest of the trip and it's not a short trip either being that I'm headed towards the heart of Downtown LA at 7am. This is my only time where I get to be completely oblivious to the world and my issues - I can just drive.

I really do like this job. It's not perfect but no job is. For the most part I am happy with it; the people are really intimate and the environment is challenging. But this is actually the problem. The fact that I do like it allows me to perform my duties well, which means I am hypnotized by the monitor and my fingers are tap dancing on my ergonomic keyboard. I used to hate ergonomic keyboards but I don't have a choice now because at the end of the day my neck hurts and I can't feel both of my pinkies. I know my wrists have it next. I do quality work at high speeds but only if I like what I'm doing, which I do, so it's difficult to find the middle ground there.

Lunch time is the most depressing part of the day. If you ever feel the need to become very detached from the world, walk the streets of Downtown LA at noon. There are so many people there all wrapped in their own bubble. It's the biggest lonely crowd I've ever seen. There are the occasional people that smile at me but I don't know if that counts since they're taking my money in return for food. I don't see people when I walk those streets, I see myself walking around a hustling city surrounded only by footprints.

5pm rolls around and I'm ready to drive back, this drive isn't as good as the morning drive though. I know that after I park the car, I'll be working again. I come in and lay flat on the hard corporate floor and wait to heal my shaking forearms. Thank god this boss is cool and he'll let me do whatever I want. I'm currently backed up on 4 side projects and my health is sloping.

I type, scroll, stare, and mouse until about 10pm and then it's time to put away a 40 and put me to bed. Lately it's been 9pm for me because I think the joints in my fingers have gone on strike. But now I can finally listen to my mp3 player with the volume maxed out while I guzzle my 40. Alright, that's not working out very well either because my hands can barely lift air. I know that I must drink out of a plastic cup and drink I must no matter what. I don't dare go to sleep sober because of my nightmares and insomnia. The alcohol that I hate so much is the only thing that helps me through the night.

My friends see me as the most out-going and social of them all. Now, I actually agree with that because I'm slowly losing myself here and that's proof that I don't do well with the silence. I have no human contact because I have so many projects to fulfill and I can't stay out late because I have to be up at 6am every morning. By the time I'm done with my daily work, I have about 1-2 hours before midnight, I just can't see myself "partying" for 2 hours and then coming home.

I'm in the middle of one of the most busy areas in America doing two jobs that demand so much of me mentally that it's effecting me physically. I am slowly aging fast. I talk to myself but not how others say, "yeah, I talk to myself." When I'm driving I would sometimes turn my head over to the passenger seat and say, "that was an awesome beat huh?" It aches when I don't get a response. I buy any personal hygiene product with the words "extreme" on it because it's a riot what I'm thinking about when I brush my teeth with Colgate Extreeeme Cleeeen. My own stupid jokes are one of the very few things that keep me afloat. I literally cuss and fight with the flies that get near my food or 40. I used to do my hair every day and put some thought into what to wear. Now I have an afro and I don't shower all week until I drive back home 40 miles away. There's a sink, a microwave, and a bathroom here, which is all I need to survive, but goddamn does my feet smell.

As I was filling out my daily agenda at the first job this morning, I noticed it was my birthday. I had forgotten my own birthday. The rest of the day went on with silent shock. I wasn't sad because I'm not celebrating tonight - I'm confused as to how I could actually forget. On the other hand, my mother called to say Happy Birthday. That was awesome. It sucks though because I have been so close with my mom for the last 3 years and now I only get to see her once a week.

Strange things happen at strange times when you've finally decided to better yourself and your life. Will all this get better? Will it all become easier after it gets hard? It does, it really does, but I'm not so sure now because I've been telling myself that for the last 3 years.